Ventings of a Pastor's Wife

This may sound like I'm complaining.  I'm not.  Mostly.

As Paul was called away tonight, it got me thinking about our current life situation as a pastor's family and I am going to use this space to sort things out.  Ready?


Let's say you hear about a pastor's family who divorce.  Or the pastor's wife is a mess with depression but tries to put on a good face for everyone.  She feels so trapped.  She shoots herself.  Or her husband.  That happened a couple years ago.  I know why.  I can tell you what leads to the Model Family explosion.

It's all those other people the pastor is taking care of.  He is so giving and generous to help them whenever they demand it.  Any day of the week.  And at any time of day.  Sometimes, they don't even know him.  But they know where he lives and they have his phone number.  And they don't think twice about asking him for help.

Oh, your grandson suffered an injustice on his baseball team?  That's okay.  Paul can fix it.  You want him to go to the baseball board meeting to confront the coach?  He'll be there.

You are going through a divorce and are sad?  Need to talk to Paul just as I pull one of his favorite meals out of the oven?  That's okay.  We'll share a family meal another night.

You signed our church up to ring the Salvation Army bell in front of Kroger tonight and not enough people signed up?  Paul will go.  Don't worry about us.  We'll, um, spend time together some other day.

Your drunk girlfriend is being irrational and you don't know what to do?  Send out the pastor's wife!  She so knows how to handle these situations.  Just let me change out of my pajamas and I'll be right there.

Oh, not enough people will help out in the nursery during church, or run the powerpoint, or babysit kids during Bible study?  I can do that, and that, and that too.  Where's Peter?  Um, I don't know.  He's probably in the building somewhere.  I don't have time to find him and sit with him during church.  I'm too busy serving others.

You are having surgery and have to be at the hospital at 4:30am and you want Paul there to pray with you?  Every time, he'll be there.

Your son is in jail again and you want Paul to go visit him, and visiting hours are only on Saturday?  No, he doesn't mind the 3-4 hour trip, in the snow.

You are a homeless man who lives in your van with countless cats and you want me to wash your rags?  Sure, no problem.  Really?  I didn't get them clean enough?  And, I don't have enough vegetables growing in my garden for you to pick and eat today?  Hmm.  I'll try to do better next year when you come around.

You want our church to do an advent candle?  That sounds nice.  Oh.  You want me to buy all the supplies and organize the speakers and readings?  I see.

This is therapeutic.  I should keep going. 

Is this why pastors have affairs, pastors' kids turn rebellious, pastors' wives become resentful and depressed?  They are too busy ministering to others?

While we love our lifestyle of fulltime ministry, I just want the world someone to hear how it affects our family.  I'm not bitter.  Most of the time.  I really try to have a positive attitude and a servant's heart.

Sometimes, before Paul leaves to go help someone, he'll ask me, "Is this okay?"  Of course it's okay.  How could I be so selfish to say, "No, don't go help that family.  Don't share Christ's love with them.  Stay home with me."

Is it okay for me to vent like this?

We are working at not becoming one of those pastor's families who fall apart.  (No, we are not anywhere near a divorce, nor am I depressed, and the only guns we have are Nerf.)

It's a tricky balance to be available to love and serve others and try to protect ourselves - our marriage, our family.  We do this by occasionally fleeing, getting out of town on his day off.  No, we will not get a cell phone.  We don't want to be reached when we are away.  I cannot think of any situation that Paul could remedy by returning from a day away with his family.  Sometimes I want to say, "Talk to the coach yourself.  Pray for your own self.  Let your drunk girlfriend be."

But I don't.  I say goodbye to Paul and feed the kids, give them baths, read to them, and put them to bed.  Maybe we'll see him in the morning.

And when we do, we'll be headed south.  Or maybe east.  I'm not telling.